Anddddddddddddddddddddd i feel like shit.

I wish you get better, really. It's not a good time for all these to be happening but i know you didn't wish for it too.

Anyway, yay jiawen you're back. I don't know what I'm doing here, hehe. Thought it would be good to see how much I grew. But I realise I've been re-learning/revising some life lessons, which are happening so quickly like nobody's business. Great to see myself coming back though, so happy with my life that the little monster in me is keeping so quiet. I feel it coming back on somedays though, but then again JC life is really really different. No more of those ready sharp eyes catching your every movement, no clamoring for hierarchy positions, no more fighting to look the epitome of the commercialized barbie doll.

You just feel like it's finally possible to be yourself. No need for all that pretence that gets on your nerves when people's sincerity in offering help is really not there. There is absolutely no need to be nice when you just don't feel like on your lousy days, but still struggling with that sometimes, but less often than previously. Maybe I'm just so happy these days that it actually felt good to be nice.

Why should I hide the fact that I'm not perfect and I have my very own flaws? I'm not as nice as I pretend to be most of the time, but it seems to be that there isn't much pretence in it anymore that it sorta became a habit to be nice and it actually feels good. How weird is that! I can be bitchy and bloody hell mean when I want to be, when my anger gets the better of me which happens often hahaha.

Anyone can be happy as they want to be if they choose to actually be listening only to the positive stuff in their head! No matter how happy a person appears to be, there will ALWAYS be something at least that leaves the person's heart sinking down the the deepest well.  Times when you are alone and relaxed, little nitty gritty thoughts slips in deftly to attack your mind when you're at your most unguarded state. How true of the fact that the sweetest smiles can hide the greatest sorrows.

Once in awhile, someone gets tired and exhausted from the acting, and slips off his or her mask to reveal his/her most innermost thoughts for just a split second. Or someone gets so addicted to his front to protect themselves from the things that really hurt them and it actually hurts the bystander to see it happening.

From a girls school back to a mix school, it seems a big gap to jump over in an instant. All my previous conclusions and predictions and assumptions seem to have been outdated and proved to be incorrect. Everything seems simpler at first, as if there were nothing happening under the calm surface of the rapid interconnected interactions taking place in every corner, yet while as you slowly understand, it's like stepping on the thin film of ice on the lake which has just frozen, where you learn to step carefully. The pressure you put on the ice must be just right so that it doesn't break while testing the relationships people seem to have with one another.

We are often so quick to classify people into bad and good categories for life could be so much easier this way yet no one is truly wicked or good. Everyone is placed into the grey area, the part containing the black and white. We are then left to ponder if our lives should be connected to them on a deeper level and our decisions depend on our impressions of them, leaving us lost and confused. Thus many people tried to solve the problem to subjecting them into one side, the good or bad, and never look at them again if they are left in the bad, choosing to be unreasonable rather than lost.

Anyway I still look forward to my life in dear JC and i'll make the best out of my two years yay.

I WISH I DIDNT KNOW.

Day 2


Really sad :( i realised how many friends i lost along the way.
I REALLY REALLY MISS THEM SO MUCH.
what did i exchange them with? IT WAS SUCH A STUPID CHOICE.
now even if i try, they might not come back :(
what should i do!

Closer to making my decision in deleting this blog.
Erase and start afresh!
Maybe i can get them back if i delete and create a stronger bond.
it's never too late right?

It got me thinking.
Words. Thoughts. How different words that come out of your mouth can be from your thoughts.

I strongly believe there's a monster in me.
A huge one in fact.
I could be so cruel! Even the thoughts that run in my mind kills me.
When i'm smiling or laughing, I don't even know if it's for real sometimes.
The line's so blurred. It can shock me how mean i am.

Can i wash those evil thoughts away after this week of reflecting!
Like clean my mind. haha!
Too many things clogged up in my brain!
Old stuff i gotta clean away, washing some memories, clearing up for new ones.

Sounds like some spring cleaning! I'll start working on it :)

Day 2- clean.

Reflections of DAY ONEEEEEEEEE!(yesterday)

Today makes me wonder if i tried my best for life.

eye candy :)

you go girl.

you know, LAUJIAWEN! Chocolate's my medicine.